The cycle of healing and breaking.. It’s so frustrating, having two such diametrically opposed emotions residing in the one experience. Heartbreak and love.
It’s been six years since my daughter death, her birthday (and her date of death) is in four days and I can hand on my heart say that, as yet, I haven’t found a way to balance the emotions out.
For me this week, six years on nearly to the day, I write a post to help me process and talk about the personal grief, I create some artwork to help me express myself and smile, I co-facilitate a group meeting for bereaved parents to hear and share our experiences, I dance way to intensely in public to 80’s music to embarrass my kids, I spend a morning delivering information on child death and support to medical professionals in training. I take my children to school, I go to the gym, do my university work, do my volunteer work, take the kids to their activities, then forget to take them to others (whoops), I make sure homework’s done, fall asleep at my desk, cook meals, clean and hang out with the people I love.
My heart is full, but it is permanently scarred. My life is busy, but I miss my daughter. I’m heartbroken, but I am happy and abundantly overflowing with love. It just is this way.
Now I’m going to make myself a hot choc, be a taxi service for my kids, try and avoid getting whacked by kids with hockey sticks, sing like a gangsta rapper in the car and wonder when I’m going to be brave enough to open Claudia’s memory box, it sits on a shelf about a metre above me as I write this in my study.
In that box, folded since last year, is her blanket. For five years, it has held the sweet newborn smell of her. I don’t know whether that scent still remains or has faded, but either way it will be make my stomach turn and fold me into tears.
Be brave, be vulnerable. Moment by moment, it’s just the way it is. .
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I realised that I've lived more in the five years since Claudia died than in the preceding 34 years without her.
Strange..maybe, but so very true.
At the time it was such a deep hole to fall into
But how the next 5 years developed is a way I didnt expect.
After finding the willpower to climb out, very organically, I kept on climbing.
Climbing to something that resembled a more awakened, a more resilient, more compassionate way of being.
Compassionate toward myself and to others.
A mixture of vulnerability and strength.
I'm not suggesting that these were lacking before, but there is a new sense of self that evolves when you have to find yourself from a million shattered pieces
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To rebuild yourself, to be able to put the pieces back in a new way, a way that brings in elements of the before person and then builds on that with the reality of being the parent that experienced death and loss.
These two realities can merge and be explored to bring forward the most positive personal outcome.
That may look different for everyone, and be constantly in flux. .
The strength it takes to talk yourself throught the guilt and the pain. It makes you self reflect and reassess all parts of your life.
It makes you be honest, be open, be flexible, be resiliant, be strong, be vunerable and be weak. .
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I'm not sure how your meant to look in these moments.. but this was us. About half an hour after meeting our daughter for the first time.
Still holding her tightly, cord not yet cut, swollen from sobbing, physically exhausted from the birth and mentally numb from the trauma.
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One thing I definately believe,
Everyday, I am thankful to have her as my daughter. .
Tillxx .
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#stillbirth #stillbirthsupport #stillbirthawareness #love #parenting #loss #childloss #pregnancyloss #1in4 #reallife
It so hard to know when grief will overwhelm you.
It's been five years since Claudia died, and she is still ever present.
2019 was a time of massive personal upheaval for me.
I spin it all as growth, but already 2020 has dealt me the most damaging of personal blows.
It’s left me slumped against that metaphorical wall. A wall I know well.
The wall of grief that has you shaken, has you guilt ridden and has you questioning who the hell you are, questioning how this could happen.
I remember this grief.
This is the grief of five years ago.
The grief that collapses you at any time.
Doesn’t distinguish between when your mind is focused or when its distracted.
If it comes crashing, you will be left ugly crying in the car, in the shower, at the bookshop or sitting on the toilet in the middle of the night.
It is the grief of letting go of something that is loved and wanted.
Of something you know would bring so much value, love and warmth into your life.
The unexpected loss, the feeling of empty arms, knowing that a bond has the ability to be life changing. And losing it feels like a reality just slipped through your fingers and you are helpless to stop it.
The grief that leaves you swallowing hard.
A grief no one wants to hear about.
Rather than sit still I move forward, always moving forward, it’s a coping strategy, probably a very good one.
Some times are just harder than others, some days are harder. Even minute by minute sometimes.
I have every intention of distracting myself as much as possible until the wave passes and my big surprise ugly cry episode become less regular and, hopefully less public too.
Less in situations that need me to explain why I’m like this right now.
How do you say, “I’m just grieving today, for all my losses, for all that won’t be, for all the joy and experiences I won’t have. I grieve because I miss a love that meant so much to me.” .
To surrender a dream. .
Minute by minute 💔
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#stillbirth #stillbirthsupport #grief #loss #hope #infantloss #parenting #stillbirthawareness
Losing love feels like possibilities dying, it feels like a song cut short, feels like your never going to recover and it's so true that nothing is ever the same.
But i suppose recovery was never the objective here, i dont need to rediscover who i was before i lost my love, instead i strive to be a person who can find the growth, who can listen and who can integrate who i am as a soul who found the greatest of feelings, a pure love, and remember how it felt to be so genuinely and purely lost in that feeling and not shy away from how utterly devastating it is to now have to live my future with a permanate scar.
Its easy to close off, always carry the seeds of anger, always have a part of you ready to attack to protect yourself from ever feeling the pain of losing any type of love again. But I'm a flawed human and my heart is one forever seeking to build on my experiences, to find the purest joyous love even when i know it can hurt me the deepest.
The human experience is full of hard times, difficult conversations, decisions and moments of struggle. This is where we grow. This is where we become more than passive spectators in our own lives.
Life is short, sometimes shorter than we could ever imagine! I'm learning not to be afraid of jumping in, of being seen as the fool, of taking the chances, making the changes.
I've seen how much i lose when my heart truely bleeds out dry, when i have absolutely nothing left. But it showed me just how deep i am capable if loving. And that is a gift, and that is beautiful.
Its scary as hell, but i know I've got this.. In life you can't account for everything but you can be aware, be mindful and be kind. Its also not too much to expect its reciprocated from others too.
From those around you and most importantly towards yourself.
Everyones life is a work in progress, so is mine.
But if i move ahead with kindness, compassion, understanding and respect it will always serve me to have the most positive outcomes. .
#stillbirth #stillbirthsupport #infantdeath #grief #arttherapy
I drew this when my body was in shock. I couldn't hold my pen i was shaking so much. Challengers are everpresent, we are all a work in progress
⤵️New post⤵️
In every aspect, there are endless parts of the story to write about, but today my mind couldn’t concentrate, my fingers only hovered over the keys.
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Today my heart pulled me to open her keepsake box. Where her ashes lay in an ornate steal box covered in childhood pictures.
Pictures that should be on her bedroom wall, watching over her as she sleeps, not on a trinket box that holds all I have left of her.
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Even knowing it will break my heart over again, I pull out her blanket.
The beautiful quilted blanket the midwife had made, not specifically for her, but a special gift made with love for the next baby to die in the hospital.
Claudia was gifted this blanket and it kept her tiny cold body cushioned for all our hospital stay. Even after 5 years I can still smell her sweet newborn fragrance as if it was woven into the fabric. It is both torture and bliss. .
I hold her photos, one by one.
Each one a treasure.
The scissors that cut her umbilical cord, her tiny hospital tags with her name handwritten on them.
As the tears fall, my living children come to find me, they sit with me and we talk about their sister. Who she looks like, who she would be better friends with if she was here, what kind of ice-cream would be her favourite, how she would be so cool to have around.
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After a while, it’s time to put the box of treasures back on the shelf. I’m not able to have her ashes out, that’s too much for me still. We move onto baths, showers, dinner and bedtime stories.
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Everything falls back into balance, everything just moves forward, but today I really miss her and wish for the billionth time her space within this family was not just a memory. .
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#stillbirth #stillbirthawareness
#infantloss #stillbirthsupport #pregnancyloss #parenting #parentingafterloss #miscarriage #sids #bereavementsupport #bereavement
