Wow, it’s been busy here for me, our little man is turned one. I cannot believe it was only 12 months ago that I was so anxious with fear and anxiety and joy and about a million other emotions that I had to have an early induction.
Every day seems like a never-ending trek up a steep mountain face. I was so mentally and physically past exhaustion I couldn’t climb anymore. I cried nearly everyday for weeks prior to his birth. I was so anxious for him to be alright, everyday I was in the midwives office with an ECG strapped around my belly listening to his heartbeat. His heartbeat stayed constant and had a beautiful rhythm, my heartbeat meanwhile was like a runaway train and any common sense or rational thinking was long gone, long long gone.
I can recall the emotions clearly, but they seem more than 12 months ago, Luc’s birth did not erase the trauma of Claudia’s death, in fact they amplified it and made me appreciate all over again the short time we had with our daughter. Yet, here I was again holding a wanted and loved beautiful baby (by the way all our babies look very similar) this time the joy of holding my child was not drowning in sorrow. I took joy in seeing him wriggle and hearing him scream, cuddling him as he nuzzled around looking for milk. I relished every minute of it, because I knew just how lucky I was.
For the first few months at home I worried about everything to do with his health. worried that he was going to die, I was worried he would be delayed because of his early birth, I hovered over his bassinet making sure he was breathing. I even worried that my two other older daughters were going to die, I looked at the (literally) hundreds of drawings and scribbles they brought home from school and though I better keep these in case something ever happened to one of them, I must collect everything so I would have something to treasure.
Fast forward a few months down the track and thankfully things began to settled down. Luc got bigger and the pile of scribbles and half drawings of unicorns and horses had to be ruled because they were filling every draw and tabletop, my pregnancy hormones finally settled down and I was able to wrestle my brain back from the grip of anxiety.
All just a year ago, it seems like a lifetime ago.
Blue Sky & Lullaby 